A friend of mine just recently said, in poetic fashion, a quote about mentoring friendships that I will keep close to my heart. One of the calls God has placed on my heart is to bring freedom and life to young women and draw them closer to God through the gifts of mentoring and discipleship.
One reason I'm starting this Apprenticeship with AIM for these few months has to do with mentoring and my heart for raising up young women into freedom. During the Apprenticeship there is time for us to be intentionally poured into in this way. I've had the opportunity to be a part of mentoring programs before and have mentored a handful of amazing young women on my journey thus far. However, there has always been a gap for me in understanding what it really means to mentor and what it more fully looks like.
Sure, I have people in my life who I would consider to have mentored me, but never with this much intentionality as this program will provide for this extended time. I think this brings me to the story in the Bible about the plank in my eye. Maybe it's not a plank, but it's a space that needs to be filled in order to gain understanding. How can I lead in what I do not yet fully know. Not that I will ever attain a full understanding, but that I will deepen this space in my heart so that God can continue to fill it overflowing into others.
I may talk more about the mentoring relationship in future posts as it is part of the journey. I want to share my growing understanding of the concept. Here's what this relationship looks like from my friend's perspective.
[What is a] Mentor/friend:
To only ever offer God's truth to your life. Spoken through the filter and in the Spirit of God's love. It is the best I have to offer you because it is my heart and my breath. I will be an imperfect friend in many ways, but when you need my heart, this is where I go. I see your hair, your eyes, your smile, your dreams, your flaws, your strengths, your sadness, your hurt, your victories. I see you. I love you. Because He sees me, and He loves me. When you call me mentor or friend, this is who I am.
- Delanie Cook
I used to preface all of my stories that way when I was a kid, even if the story I was telling was about a few days prior. Now I can legitimately say that when I was a younger girl I could have sincerely benefited from having an older girl mentoring me. Since college I’ve had women brought into my life to reveal my identity, but what about before?
I just recently went back through old journals and it was a crazy awesome experience because I was able to cross out lies I told myself and circle truths and even write little notes to that my younger self in there. It was transformative and got me thinking about what else I might write to that younger girl. So, here’s some of what I’d tell her.
- You are truly funny. You have been given the gift of joy and God loves it when you share that with others. It’s not too proud for you to share that, because you were meant to! But while you’re sharing it, remember not to make people laugh at your own expense, because eventually it will wear on you and you will believe those things about yourself, it will end up fostering bitterness and isolation. So, be free to be funny in your unique way regardless of other’s responses.
- Take some time to sit and study YOUR likes and dislikes? Don’t apologize for it. It’s okay to like Hanson and Beanie Babies (everybody secretly does anyway), and don’t watch, listen to, or do anything just because others say you should. Sure, try them out (within reason) but ultimately embrace your own identity.
- Ask questions! Don’t be embarrassed by your lack of understanding on the first go around. Cut yourself some slack, and know it is okay to ask for clarification and it’s okay to not know obscure references or remember every fact from every lesson you’ve been taught.
- Everything is going to be okay. You’re going to find out some crazy stuff about your family and your dad is going to move pretty far away and start a new life without you. God will tell you He is going to take over and I just want you to know that He did and is and it is going to completely rock your world!
- Have grace for your mom during this time. You aren’t the only one who is angry, scared, and hurting. Love her unconditionally and accept her. Do not try to take over her role; you are still a kid. You are not responsible for her happiness but you are to simply love and have grace.
- Don’t be intimidated by your little sister’s choices and boldness, but call her often, love her, and relate to her. She is the best friend you will ever have and after years of speaking life and freedom into her she will one day make you cry because she will speak it over you as well. Be patient in love with her and tell her she’s worth it every day.
- When you feel the nudge to not be in unhealthy relationships anymore, do something about it. Do not stay with guys who don’t know your worth. When they tell you that you are not enough, tell them to take a freaking hike. There’s a man of integrity that God has created for you that is never going to tell you those things and it’s going to be beyond awesome. (It’s not time for that yet, but don’t let that scare you.)
- When God clearly tells you that someone is not “the one” seriously, listen. He’s your Father, and He’s got your best interest at heart. Also, he was divinely right and it will save you a lot of heartache.
- Admit your feelings. If you’re scared, lonely, hurting, angry, talk to someone about it. Don’t be so concerned with holding it all together, it’s not your role, you’re just a kid/young adult. Lay in the sunshine and ride your bike around with your friends, laugh more and just be.
- Stop cutting your hair so freaking short, you hate it that way! You hate it every time. Grow your hair long and wear pretty skirts and funny t-shirts and roll in the sunshine and go on road trips to random places with your kick ass friends.
- Speaking of, in high school when you randomly get tickets to a Britney Spears concert after screaming at the top of your lungs at a hockey game with your best friend Amy… BRING AMY to the concert! Do not bring the popular girl from school because she loves Britney. You will not (and don’t need to) be popular because of it and you will lose your friendship with Amy. It will suck.
- Be yourself, fully. Don’t let anyone shame your for being who you are.
- While you’re at it, be friends with the people who care to know you, stop striving to know people who don’t.
- Conquer your fear of speaking in public, because you have good things to say and you have a voice.
- Spend more time at Nana’s baking, it’s one of your favorite past times now and you’ll wish you’d started doing it sooner when you lived close by.
- When you try to skateboard at age 19 to maintain balance during the surfing off-season, you’re going to fall and hit your elbow pretty hard. You’re even going to go cry to your mom. It’s going to be really funny later. Do not stop skateboarding; get back on… preferably with proper padding. Also, keep surfing because the water is somewhere God speaks to you.
- Take more risks, and learn to do more things! Find yourself, not other people. You are you, you are not them.
- You are going to travel around the world a bit, but God is mainly going to call you to work in schools here for awhile and work with kids and you are going to make a huge difference and your life will change forever. You will prophesy and make change and be a warrior for others and it will be so good. You will also receive prophesies for you and promises from God (yes, God will even speak out loud sometimes), keep them in your heart and trust that you are worthy of those promises.
- Even though the church has let you down, God will have you return to it and redeem those places in you so don’t rush that. Just breathe, relax, grow, and learn to love the church in spite of their flaws and have grace for the process. All of those things that confused you about the church growing up will be articulated over time, don’t be afraid to step back and search.
- Find people you connect with and keep in touch. Travel to their weddings and visit them sick or well. Friends are friends forever, don’t you remember that song?
- Don’t write people off for being who they are just because you’re afraid of being who you really are. Just let it go and be you because you’re freaking amazing and don’t ever forget it! Being yourself is one of the most amazing feelings in the world because you are accepting who God has made you to be and finding that it is in fact awesome in a very humbling and holy way.
Now to 27-yr old self. You might need to be reminded that 27 is the perfect time to follow your heart, follow your dreams, let it all go, be where you are, and love yourself like you choose to love others. You can open your heart a little bit more, silently laugh at a picture of a cat that has inappropriate language while sitting in a café by yourself, you can sing karaoke at the top of your freaking lungs WITH hand movements, you can crochet, dance, paint, sing, discuss life and God. You are lovely and worthy and I know you know all of this but I just wanted to remind you. I am so proud of you older girl.
“We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long until the weather clears and the sun shines bright. We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us…but for right now, until that completeness, we have 3 things to do: Trust steadily, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.”
Did you know we have the power to change the world, to move and shake things up, to make heavenly things happen in this world?
In 2007 I left for Swazi on a Real Life (now called Passport) trip through Adventures in Missions (AIM) and my life got totally wrecked, in the best way imaginable. Now I have the opportunity to mobilize others to do the same.
In Swazi I held a LOT of orphaned babies and kids, told women covered in shame and ravaged with AIDS that they were beautiful and what grace means. I danced with kids who lived in garbage pits, and saw what it means to pray and see restoration right before my eyes. Girls who were caught in generations of trafficking themselves as young as age 8 didn’t anymore, because they realized they were worth MORE.
That’s only a tiny snapshot, and that was only a three month trip.
I’ve worked in schools and camps and seen generations rising up to make life truly spring from the depths. Now it is a season to see and prepare generations to mobilize into the world, and I am excited, oh man am I excited!
Now I have the chance to be part of an apprenticeship through AIM, this same organization that mobilizes people like me and you to go out and wreck themselves and change the world.
I need your help.
In order to be a part of what AIM is doing in mobilizing people onto the field, I need your support.
Here’s how:
- Prayer (This is a huge transition)
- Financially
**Click on the "Support Me!" link on the top left!
- Share this post with friends and family
- Buy handmade scarves and photos from my travels! (Scarves $34 ea., 8x10 photos for $12 ea.)
- Hire me to take photos, or draw illustrations. (email me for details)
Please prayerfully consider helping a sister out. I am in need of $3300 more before January and people to commit to donating any amount on a monthly basis.
I have five names, just in case you were wondering. That doesn’t include the ones given to me by my Father, which would increase the number and frankly change the subject a bit. I have five names that have been given at different stages of my life for various reasons. It took me awhile to realize this and that there is actually deep significance in it.
The Name Game
I have come to love the uniqueness of my full name, but it was a path fraught with petty frustrations, because your name is who you are first identified by and I didn't know my identity for awhile there. I also just feel strongly about symbolism sometimes and symbolism plays a big role in your name. So, I’ve had a lot of qualms over my name. For one, it’s a two-part name, which causes people to assume that the second part of my name is my last name and it confuses people. Then I also get the question, “Do, you like to be called Toni, or Toni-Lyn?” to which I (sometimes) very politely reply, “Well, Toni-Lyn is my first name…” because I’ve frankly stopped apologizing for the extra syllable. Also, the first half is a boy’s name so people are always telling me, “I was expecting you to be a guy.” Which honestly, why would anyone think that’s ok to tell a woman? That began in middle school and can we say emotional complex to get over. Geez.
Just recently the idea of having a new name has been on my mind as God has led me through re-births. I’ve also been in a very nostalgic place of reflecting and grieving the end of a season. I was wondering the other day why God hadn’t given me a new name when I went to Swazi or moved or even now as I prepare for shifting. I mean I like the name Michelle, or something exotic or nerdy-chic. I told that to God, I mean, in case He was up for suggestions. This was not about that though, which is what He told me in His really gentle and joyful spirit. I think He thinks I’m funny, which is utterly heart-warming.
Then it dawned on me, I’ve been getting new names all along.
Historically Speaking
In scripture we see a few different people who have their names changed completely. Simon becomes Peter, “the rock”. Saul becomes Paul, “small and humble”. Then we see Jacob renamed Israel which means “God prevails”. This was after wrestling for redemption. I mean, holy mackerel, Jacob put on some furry arms to steal his brother’s blessing and then wrestled with God and was renamed Israel! What a loaded name.
Even monks, nuns, and the Pope change their name taking on a new identity in Christ as they move into those positions. This is no new idea. Names are powerful. Names, like words, can bring life and death.
What is in a name?
While my team was in Swazi there was a mischievous boy who visited our homestead often. His name was Fossa Fossa, which meant “mistake” in SiSwati. He was apparently known around the community as a troublemaker and clearly was unwanted. My teammate Jess was distressed knowing this, she a woman truly after God’s own heart. She would have none of it, and she renamed him “Siyabonga”, which is a common Swazi greeting meaning “we thank you” because we were thankful for him. She renamed him with all of the authority of Christ and she claimed it and believed it of him. Let me tell you, as someone who has worked with youth for eight years now, that makes ALL the difference.
The thing about a name, in my opinion, is that it really means something for you. My name, for instance, means “beloved” and the second part, “waterfall”. God’s given me imagery, visions, and prophesies using those words. It is unique to me. So, I can’t just go from being a Toni-Lyn to being a Michelle because it’s bigger than that. There’s a path we’re forging and while our name doesn’t define us, it tells part of our story as we move forward (or backward). For the most part, barring certain seasons, God doesn’t want my name to change completely, at least not yet.
The Weight of Words
Sometimes we have to shed old names for good as we find our true identity in Christ, names like, “worthless”, “critical”, “ugly”, “stupid”, “unclean”, “abandoned”, “sinner”. Those are not true of us and we must face our real selves knowing that we are in fact, called “saints”, “friends”, and “sons” and “daughters” of Christ by Christ.
My Personal Name Story
Wondering about my five names? Well, I grew up Toni-Lyn, eventually shorted to Toni by friends who apparently didn’t like extra syllables. When I went to college, and right around the time I learned about my identity in Christ and experienced the knowledge of grace for the first time, people started calling me by my initials: TLK. When I met my Swazi team and went on the field through AIM the first time, they called me TL. I think this was in part a mark of an exodus out of bondage of my past by removing the last initial. While in Swazi, I was given the SiSwati name, Spiwe, by one of the gogos. Spiwe means “gift” and God was showing me that I was there for a purpose that I couldn’t fully see, yet. Oddly, TL was transferred to my grad school crew as well this past year. Which, I would venture to say is because God brought me through some Swazi-grade wreckage this past year, and also I was being led back to AIM. I’m not sure if I’ll adopt a new name when I get there or which one will stick, but I’m curious to see what God is up to, as usual. No one knew that when they were calling me those nicknames it had any weight behind it, and honestly, I didn’t think much of it until now either. But part of recognizing our significance in God’s story is recognizing it through our identity in Christ and who he calls us to be, and recognizing the shifts and stories our names tell.
Now You What’s your name story? What names has God had to change in you? What name is Christ calling you now and what is the significance?
All Love,
TL, Toni, Toni-Lyn, TLK, Spiwe, Beloved Waterfall, etc.
Life is taking crazy and wild turns and I am jumping in. Read all about it here and check out how you can help (bottom of post) by playing a part in what God is doing and has done!
“Behold, I am doing something new! See, I have already begun! Do you not perceive it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness and rivers in dry wasteland.” – Isaiah 43:19
There have been a lot of changes over the past few weeks. I am currently spending my next three weeks in Savannah packing and preparing for a big move that God has (unbeknownst to me) been preparing for me for some time now.
A Shifting Season
Where to begin? Well, when I started working as an art teacher at a private school this year I didn’t think God would call me away from it mid-year. Although, I guess if I had thought that I never would have taken it, and I guess it was important for me to be there and begin a shifting of sorts there. At 27 it is SO fascinating to look back at all the little seemingly innocuous things I’ve learned and reflect on how they perfectly align with the seemingly innocuous things I’m doing right now. After all, here I am happily in Savannah, which is a big deal considering my sentiments upon first arriving here. I have amazing community, which I cried out for over a year ago now. I have a steady job and a house that I rent with two fantastic roommates. While this is all awesome and God-filled, it is all about to change, and that’s the way it is (and has been) with God isn’t it? Following is about taking leaps into unknowns and being wrecked for ordinary things, right?
A Call and A Story
The call is different for everyone, it all sounds and looks different and unique in its intricacies. It usually begins with some heavy wreckage.
The process of wrecking began early for me. It started as a kid. I recall being in children’s church at age 5 and going up to “accept Christ” every Sunday until someone told me I only had to do it once. So, I kept going up each Sunday to sit and experience God capturing everyone else’s hearts for the first time. I felt the call when I invited the outcast girl to come to a sleepover at age 9. Among other times of calling out, God led me toward and away from people and things. At times so broken I could barely breathe right, it somehow not only got better amidst the wreckage but this wrecking actually transformed into something so much more incredible!
I was wrecked throughout middle and high school by participating in youth groups and churches that were surface level at best. I knew I agreed and disagreed with certain things and couldn’t articulate it. So, I went through years of guilt and fear and abandonment without the church, and sadly at times with the church instigating these things in me. Then working with Camp Dixie starting in 2003 I finally began to learn about how much God loves me and about redemption and grace. “WHAT?” my mind said, “Freedom? Grace? Where has this been all my life?” My mind was blown to pieces. Somehow God led me back to work in a church affiliated school after college and began a healing process and deepening my faith and furthering the wreckage.
In 2007 God was like, “Africa”… AfricaAfricaAfrica. It was like a heartbeat I had. I HAD to go. I found Adventures in Missions in a search and found Swaziland. I didn’t renew my contract with my job and I went. Three months there and major wreckage later, I returned home in a very parallel universe-y kind of way. What just happened and WHAT am I doing in NC and why!? “Youth” was the call then. I began working in schools and mentoring girls and being wrecked by their stories and how God brought me kids who needed His healing. He began entrusting me more and more. I eventually led a trip to Ireland this past summer to be wrecked even more and entrusted with more than ever before. So, that leads all the way to here.
January: The New Wreck-oning Call
This year God has been speaking “January” and that I will be working with youth in a “different” way. So, everything that came up was “January” and I was beginning to get flustered. God provided a job for me after all and that lasted until June. What was He up to asking me to leave it so soon?
I held on to the notion that God would just hold whatever it was until June and pressed on. Then God was whispering all of these lovely things over me and telling me about the amazing things He had planned that required courage and trust and faith. I began to think I had no faith at all because I was less than ready to jump off a cliff into unknown. My rule-following side cringed at the thought of explaining the unexplainable to my boss. Quit my job? Unheard of if you ask me. No one ever does that. No one named Toni-Lyn ever does that, right? Right!?
God pressed on, totally un-phased, as usual, by my higher-than-average level of skepticism. Every time I prayed for a sign He would give me one greater and more glaringly obvious. Eventually it came to me lying in my bed saying, “Go or stay? Go or stay? Go or stay?” I lay there staring at the wall repeating this in my mind and then heard a voice, out loud, say to me, “Go!” It startled me at first and then it sunk in, “Oh, all these signs mean I should GO?” Ha! It’s so encouraging that God knows me so well. I mean, honestly, I bet He would have shown up to tell me if I kept on being skeptical. Seriously. So, I told my boss I was leaving, I met with all of my amazing college girls here and told them what God is doing and received more and more confirmation along the way. “I knew it!” was a common sentiment I received heartily.
The Jumping Stage
I’ve spent the past week explaining to my older students why I am leaving mid-year. It was exhausting but redeeming. It was the chance to tell the teenagers what it truly looks like to follow God, that it really doesn’t make sense half the time. Then I encouraged them to follow when God calls them.
This Next Season
Then, and only after the leap into unknown, did things click further into place. I received a literal call from Adventures in Missions about their apprenticeship. Shockingly enough it begins in January (dramatic gasp!) and will last 8 months and I GOT IT!
- That is 8 months working in the Adventures in Missions (AIM) offices, living in community, and being discipled.
- This is 8 months of honing my creativity (that was jump started/revived at SCAD this past year) and furthering God’s vision over my life of speaking freedom and healing over young women.
- This is 8 months of mobilizing others toward this crazy and wild utterly wrecking freedom.
Without realizing it at first glance, God is answering so many prayers that I’ve had for years and years. A season is fading into new birth in a new place.
Journeying Together
Whenever we jump, it is God’s intent that we are not alone. We are a body with many parts, after all. So this one part is jumping into the water to swim and is inviting you to be a part of navigating these waters.
The LOGISTICS…
In order to work for a non-profit missions organization I need to raise support for January-August 2012.
I have to raise: $3500 before January.
From March onward I have to raise: $1500 per month.
SUPPORT ME?:
- Prayer (YES! Excellent!) **Matt. 18:19-20 says that where two or more are gathered God is there in it.
I am making and selling these infinity cowl scarves for $34 each. Just choose your color scheme and I’ll make it. Free shipping to US! (below)
Email me @tonilyn.keller@gmail.com for orders.
I am also creating some illustrations, prints, and batik pillows that you can look out for in the near future by visiting my Tiny World Travels blog and subscribing there!
**Thanks for believing in God’s plan with me, for following with me, and for your love and support. Prayers are always felt and encouragement always a blessing.
